Forming a Secure Attachment

Oliver expressed great interest in having a stable, supportive male figure in his life, but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy for him. Oliver has Reactive Attachment Disorder—a rare, but serious, trauma- and stress-related condition caused by social neglect and maltreatment during childhood.  

Affected children have difficulty forming emotional attachments to others. They show a decreased ability to experience positive emotion, seek or accept physical or emotional closeness, and may react violently when held, cuddled or comforted.

Oliver’s mental health therapist worked with Great Life Mentoring to arrange for the support she felt would benefit him most; a person who could demonstrate an ability to remain calm and level-headed while interacting. 

It would take time for Oliver to warm up to his mentor. Each time they met, it was like a fresh start. But the Great Life mentor, Ryan, was patient and kind, and he knew to follow Oliver’s lead when it came to his comfort level. Ryan also knew that a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder could learn to develop more stable and healthy relationships, and he wanted to help with that. 

Ryan is not a professional. He is a volunteer mentor. But Great Life Mentoring was there to train and support him, helping him to be successful for Oliver’s benefit. As an effective mentor, Ryan became a supplemental attachment figure, providing Oliver with corrective attachment experiences. His positive interactions and stable, nurturing environment allows Oliver to experience a balance of independence and need for others. It helps Oliver to maintain a sense of calm and focus when he receives one-to-one attention, something he rarely gets otherwise. 

Oliver and Ryan bonded over playing ball together. They both like to be active, so it was fun for them to go rock climbing, swimming or play any kind of ball. 

There were times when there wasn’t much verbal communication, and Oliver was resistant to talk, but he warmed up over time and eventually felt comfortable and calm while conversing with his mentor. 

Trust was rightly developed over time. Later in the relationship, Oliver was able to share with Ryan that, in the beginning, he had pretended like he didn’t care that Ryan was mentoring him. But now he was able to say, “I really did.” This displayed tremendous growth in Oliver’s ability to bond and form trust. 

It’s important that mentors take the relationship slow, as the healthy bond is only formed over time when the mentor displays consistency and stability. Affection and shared experiences are also important, but those things alone don’t form the kind of trusting bond that children need to develop most effectively. If you want to bond successfully with the child you mentor, you must do what you say you will do. And Ryan did this at every turn. 

Over time, Oliver’s behavior improved substantially. He went from troubled behavior on a daily basis to functioning normally at school. 

It changed Oliver to have his mentor listen to and encourage him on a regular basis. His basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing were finally met through this caring, stable attachment figure, and it has made all the difference. 

If you would like to help a child like Ryan did, contact Great Life Mentoring, and we’ll help you be a successful mentor. There are currently volunteer opportunities in Vancouver WA and volunteer opportunities in Portland OR.