Isolation Without Loneliness: Staying Emotionally Connected in Times of Physical Distance
Four Steps to to Mentoring From a Distance. A Great Life Mentoring Guide.
1. Pause and Prepare to be Present
Before contacting the friend you are mentoring, it is vital that you take a pause and prepare yourself. You are a consistent, stable presence, bringing peace to your friend’s life, and that is no different during a video-chat or phone call than it is when you meet in person. In fact, it could mean even more now than ever. Your presence in times of distress can not be overstated. So, please ensure that you are bringing your best self to the relationship by preparing in advance.
It’s important for mentors to make their own self-care a priority. Consider how you are taking care of yourself at this unusual and stressful time. A world-wide pandemic means changes in lifestyle, jobs, economics and brings much uncertainty. With those changes can come a host of other challenges; things like stress, anxiety, fear, anger, depression and worry. Are you taking time each day to assess your emotional and physical health and addressing the care you need? That is primary.
Emotional health is an important domain of our overall well-being. As a reminder from our mentor training, emotional health is the ability to know what you are thinking and feeling, the affect it’s having on you and on others, and the ability to ask “why.” In addition to improving your own life, emulating emotional health to the child you mentor can set them up for a life of healthy relationships and emotional well-being.
Whether you’re practicing all day or for just a moment, being mindful is extremely important. We recommend becoming well-acquainted with the pause, as it’s an element of calm that helps manage emotions. Take a pause and deep cleansing breaths prior to contacting your friend. You can read more about Emotional Health and the Mindfulness Pause in the book supplied during Great Life Mentoring training: Being Present, The Art and Science of Mentoring.
“Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts.” —Thich Nhat Hanh
Before you make the call, remember that while you’re a mentor, you are also human. You are not expected to always know the perfect thing to say or do. So, be patient with yourself and know we are here to help.
Appreciate yourself for this beautiful contribution. Staying connected to your friend will increase trust and deepen your relationship. Even if the video chats are not as fun as your in-person contacts, your presence will give your friend a sense of normalcy. You are an invaluable safe-haven.
Now that you're ready to make the call…
2. Use Effective and Compassionate Listening
Your friend may have a host of feelings about what is going on in their life and the world around them. They may experience worry and disappointment, have increased mental health symptoms or simply be overwhelmed. If you use effective and compassionate listening, you will give them an opportunity to identify and talk about their feelings, and this can help them to suffer less. Remember the video of Oprah Winfrey interviewing Tich Nhat Hanh on the subject of deep compassionate listening? This might be a good time to watch it again.
As you know from the Great Life mentor training, effective listening is fully concentrating on what is being said and using appropriate verbal and non-verbal feedback in response. We remind you to be responsive and without judgment; practice observing and describing rather than judging, analyzing or critiquing; display care and compassion; and be aware of your own emotions, facial expressions and posture while recognizing and naming the emotion of your friend. It might also help to use the Great Life Mentoring Chart of Emotions to be on-point.
You will be the calm in your friend’s storm as you listen without judgment and apply empathy. We remind you to pay attention to your friend’s facial expressions, gestures, body language and tone, as well as your own. Be sure to ask,“How did that make you feel?” (Though, use this statement genuinely and not prescriptively.) Ask open-ended questions like, “tell me more.” Then, give your friend a chance to feel heard and understood.
But also, be sure to…
3. Have Some Fun
Let’s not underestimate the power of fun! Having fun can be a great stress-reliever, so we recommend mentors and friends talk about what they think would be fun, and make a list of things to do during their weekly phone or video dates. You could also make a list of things you’ll do together once you can meet in person again (promoting hope). Just creating a list together can help stimulate creativity.
Play will help to relieve stress because it triggers the release of endorphins, which promote an overall sense of well-being. So what kind of play can you do via phone or video? That will be unique to each mentor and child’s personality and interests.
Some mentors have decided to become pen-pals and write letters back and forth, while others are reading a book out loud together. But another match might do a dance class together. Can you imagine standing in front of your computer screens and dancing together? Mentors just might learn new moves from the younger generation! This could be both fun and funny!
What about doing a project like knitting, coloring or building something? A mentor could have Amazon deliver some basic supplies to their friend’s home (and to their own home) prior to the date; then you could work on it “together,” from your own location. The creative projects are endless.
Or, you might find it best to do thinking projects together, with the internet as an aid. Things like learning another language together or even just a list of new words in your own language. Being friends, we imagine you will come up with your own ideas of what sounds like a pleasure to you.
This writer’s inclination would be to share daily gratitude. Mentors and kids could write down one gratitude per day and talk about these things when the weekly mentoring date comes around. You could also share something that made you laugh each day; something that surprised or comforted you; something you like about yourselves, or something you are hopeful for. The list of lists could go on and on.
And don’t forget to laugh! Sharing laughter and having fun can improve your connection to each other as you foster empathy, compassion and trust. We hope you will find that having fun together is a boost to your energy as well.
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” — George Bernard Shaw
4. Reinforce the Relationship
Before your time is up each week, you can reinforce the relationship by scheduling the next day and time you will communicate. This will give you both something to look forward to. It will also provide your friend an assurance of your return.
Feeling connected, and being in touch with someone who cares, is critical to a child’s sense of safety and attachment. Your friend will know you care about them when you remain faithful to your commitment.
The Great Life Mentoring commitment is to provide one-to-one support on a weekly basis for a minimum of 12-months. In that respect, nothing has changed. You will remain for your friend, like the calm in a storm. Your presence, whether in person during “normal” circumstances, or via phone or video during a public emergency, is an invaluable gift.
Most importantly, continue to practice being yourself with your friend. This is a relationship where you can both find belonging and insight, even at a distance. May you see each day as a gift, may you make the most of it, and may you embody all that each of you hope to be.
Thank you, Great Life mentors, for your kind and generous service.